what if your worst fear...

...was M. Night Shyamalan!

So, I'm catching up a bit with posting now, but I have had a lot of time to think about one of the latest movies I've seen. Despite all the naysaying leading up to opening day of The Happening, I was pretty excited to see it. I even avoided internet spoilers so that I could finally have an unspoiled Shyamalan experience. Violence, gore, Marky Mark's third nipple (which even though it's always covered, it's a comfort to know it's there, right?), Zooey's watery dinnerplate eyes - all of these things made me want to see a horror movie in theaters on Friday the 13th. I'm mostly ambivalent towards suspense movies, and haven't seen a scary movie in theaters since 28 Days Later (Land of the Dead doesn't count since it wasn't scary, and I Am Legend doesn't count because I was bored). So The Happening was working for me riiiight up until the trailers beforehand indicated what kind of a movie-going experience I was about to embark on.

You know how the tone of the trailers shown before a film give a hint about the distribution company and target audience? Well, before The Happening, there was a trailer for Mirrors, which basically took every horror movie trope that everyone got tired of 4 Japan-remakes ago, and jumbled them together into a movie with no villain. Creepy little boy? Check. Frightened mom? Check. Slowly revealing the distorted image of the expected? Check. Oh but guess what the premise is that your reflection is what kills you. The following paraphrased conversation brought to you by my friend Evan and I:
Evan: What if your worst fear...
Me (in scared mom voice): Why are you going upstairs, Billy?
Evan (as creepy Billy): But they told me to, mommy!
Me: Who? Who told you, Billy?
Evan: MY REFLECTION!!
Seriously, anything could kill you in a movie that stupid. What if your worst fear was...your own hat! a doorknob! the existence of Disaster Movie! Okay, that last one is actually pretty scary... But I digress...

So anyway, The Happening was pure shit pretty much from moment one. I mean, some of the deaths were pretty cool, and I am definitely susceptible to the music and slow pans of suspense building, but just like in The Village or Signs, there was rarely any payoff. In the days since I watched it, I've been trying to decide if it was just bad, or if it veered over to "so bad it's good" territory, and I think I'm leaning towards the latter. Some of the cool deaths are gooey and entertaining (jumping off buildings, headbutting a house), and some are stupidly funny (feeding oneself to lions one limb at a time, throwing oneself in front of a lawnmower?). There are also a lot of unintentionally hilariously delivered lines that are very quotable ("Don't take her hand unless you mean it!" "Hot dogs get a bad rap. They have a fun shape, and they're full of protein!" "Why're you eyein' my lemon drink?!")

But for every nugget of comedy gold, there was a plodding twenty minutes worth of horrible directing. I will not fault Mark "Rock Star" Wahlberg, Zooey "The Happening" Deschanel, or even John "The Pest" Leguizamo for their wooden performances when I'm pretty much convinced that Shyamalan just demands the worst out of his actors. The story unfurled in the first third of the action, by which point everyone in the audience I saw it with had long since stopped caring. The relationship between the leads was unnaturally and unnecessarily tense, and primarily hinged on the color of Marky's clammy mood ring. When the two of them walked into the onslaught of neurotoxin dust that they were sure was going to kill them, I was convinced that they were going to start making out and then suicidally eating each other's faces off. Alas, this did not happen.

In the cheapest system of deus ex machina in practice these days, all explanation about the premise was revealed through news broadcasts, which is just such a coward's way out. *coughSIGNScough* As soon as the credits rolled, there was a lot of loud booing in the theater, so that should be a pretty good indicator that audience opinions were in line with mine, and all those reflected on Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic.

Don't see The Happening. Or, get drunk with a huge group of friends and then sneak in to The Happening. That would probably be a fun evening. Drink every time the trees/plants/wind move menacingly. Drink every time the mood ring is mentioned/present. Drink every time you laugh nervously or earnestly at the movie. Get dialysis. Repeat.

trailer park, part une

In my recent returns to the movie theater, I have also been introduced to a few new movie trailers, and a handful of them look very promising. I also enjoyed combing through a bunch of trailers online, so I wanted to share some of the ones that I want to see. Enjoy!

(Okay, so for some reason blogger is not letting me embed video clips right now, so I'm afraid I had to post the links to the trailers on YouTube. Sorry, I hate to click a link when the video I want to see could be right there!)


The Foot Fist Way (May 30)
Okay, so I actually got an advance copy of this at work, and when I tried to watch it, I was busy doing other things, and ended up losing interest about halfway through. I'll watch it this week so that I can post a review the day it comes out, which is this Friday. I do love mockumentaries, and this looks like a deadpan comedy, which is probably a lot funnier than I was aware of when it was on TV next to me while I was writing a paper.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=6hO9lP4lVvY


The Happening (June 13)
So, most people's opinions on M. Night Shyamalan's movies are mixed, and mine are too. Let's face it, the quality of his storytelling varies pretty widely from film to film, anyway. The Happening doesn't look to me like it's going to exceed The Sixth Sense, which is my favorite of his, but it also doesn't look like it's going to sink to The Village or Lady in the Water levels of boringness. Really though, just like Kathy Geiss, I'll show up to almost anything Mark Wahlberg is in. I don't know what it is about his pug-like face and his too-much-muscle body covered in horrible tattoos, but I am drawn to him. Sexy/ugly has never looked so good(?). Also, Zooey Deschanel is incredible, so I imagine the movie must be decent if she chose to be in it.
(NOTE: This is the red band trailer, which is pretty violent, so be careful:)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=rFU6Qyjb8aA


Quid Pro Quo (June 13)
Nick Stahl is a very underrated actor, if you ask me, and I am glad to see him in an interesting thriller as the protagonist. The concept of elective amputation is an unusual, and very thought-provoking one, having been explored in mainstream media on Nip/Tuck, and previously on sites such as bmezine.com (I won't post a link because I'm on a work computer and don't want to search around for the article I'm looking for, but it's a fascinating site from top to bottom, if you're interested in body modifications). This mystery/thriller genre as a vehicle to discuss the subject of bizarre body image (and body dysmorphic disorder?) is cool, and I hope I actually remember to watch this when it comes out in (assumedly) limited release.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zgHJcsULMz4


Baghead (June 13)
I've actually seen Baghead already, and I definitely recommend it for the Laemmle-theatergoing crowd, especially if you're looking for a comedy at the independent movie theater which is typically full of high-quality downers like The Children of Huang Shi (which looks reeeally good, btw). It's neither the most memorable comedy I've seen - though few indie comedies are - nor the scariest horror flick I've seen, but I don't really think that's the point. Baghead pokes fun at the indie filmmaking process and community, and the actors are believable and funny throughout. The wallet-phone gag will stick with you for a while, too, so look out for that.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zJNsbHvGNvs


American Teen (July 25)
I've been reading lately about how the cinema verite approach to teens in media is becoming a growing trend, and American Teen is one of the primary examples of this that people are turning to. What can I say? It looks cute and touching, and like something that will appeal to teens, younger adults, and baby boomers, and people from small towns and big cities.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=5lB7j6_acxk


The Rocker (Aug. 1)
Oh, Rainn Wilson. No one's ever going to let you put down those horrible glasses from The Office ever again, are they? Just as I examined the posters of Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin, I looked at the poster for The Rocker with a critical eye. But all the pratfalls in the world (seriously, the trailer is like if Chevy Chase and Chris Farley had a child with vertigo) can't detract from the awesome cast. I'm hoping this will end up being funnier than Blades of Glory, as the story seems a lot cooler, and I think that Wilson is a better headliner any day than Will Ferrel or Jon Heder. Yeah, I said it.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=yIv9SFT7pfY
Fun fact: Rainn Wilson practices Baha'i.


The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (Aug. 8)
Leave me alone. I kind of loved the first one.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=5_tOCV6VLR4