The End Times are upon us.

Early this morning, I heard the worst movie news in some time: Lionsgate is remaking its 1987 classic Dirty Dancing. Disgraceful, isn't it? New readers, you may want to revisit my earlier written praise of this awesome movie, so as to get a full appreciation of my feelings toward this news. I read the news this morning on The Tracking Board, and heard it confirmed on Ralph Garman's "showbiz beat" on the KROQ Kevin & Bean show. Rumor has it that the story will be updated to modern day, but I have yet to find that out conclusively.

There are a million problems with this. I hope that it is actually going to be set in the '60s, like the original. Not only would the cultural appreciation for Mad Men and its ilk make the story a little more marketable, but the central conflict between Baby and Johnny would actually make sense! I'm not so naïve that I think an upper-middle-class young woman fooling around with a summer resort dance instructor at least a few years her senior wouldn't still piss off her father in modern times. But we're talking about dirty dancing.

How many Save the Last Dance and Step Up iterations have to go by before filmmakers realize that a girl learning how to sway her hips, while potentially indicative of sexual awakening, is not quite the society-shaking protestacular that it might have been at Kellerman's in the early '60s.

I do wonder if this may be a remake of the stage musical based on the original, à la The Producers (failure) and Hairspray (success). Interestingly, both of those movies were set in the '60s too, but Hairspray had that awesome John Waters '80s vibe. This may be the most successful way to remake the movie. A modern take might incorporate krumping or something really awkward, and a straight retelling of the original movie would be a cheesy Psycho job.

This whole thing makes me feel very unsettled! In high school, when Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights came out, my friends and I came up with a few other potential sequels. The most popular remains Dirty Dancing 3: Tienanmen Square. Log line: He was a student revolutionary. She drove a tank. Through the art of traditional Chinese folk dance...can they find love?

can't stop the beat

The other summer hit that I finally had a chance to see on the plane was Hairspray, which I'd been apprehensive about ever since the fiasco that was 2005's The Producers rehash. With Hairspray, I have only the previous experience of John Waters' 1988 film starring Ricki Lake, and no experience with the Broadway musical. Now, having been surprised by the enjoyability of the recent film, I would like to see the stage version of the musical, as I'm sure any version not involving John Travolta would be incredibly entertaining.

The 2007 film lacks almost any shred of John Waters' masterful campy grotesqueness, but instead of making a failed attempt to capture the spirit of the original, the new take moves forward into the bouncy kitsch of movie musicals, with winking social commentary sprinkled throughout. Though I missed the Reefer Madness -style sendup of beatniks, the new music created for the musical is very well-written, and enhanced the experience quite a bit.

Nikki Blonsky was well-cast, filling Ricki Lake's pumps nicely, and even Amanda "All That" Bynes was enjoyable. Given too much room to amuse herself, she's just irritating, but as the repressed Checkerboard Chick she complements Blonsky well. Even though his nose looks like a cat, Zac Efron (to borrow a line from 30 Rock's Liz Lemon, "that's a thing, right?") was all too charming as Link Larkin. I'm pretty much the only person under 21 who's never watched a High School Musical, but I can see why preteen girls and questioning boys tune in for a piece of the Efron action.

Christopher Walken was amusing as ever in Jerry Stiller's old role, who had a much appreciated cameo as Mr. Pinky. I just wish Walken had had room to put on his dancing shoes. Queen Latifah and Brittany Snow turned in serviceable performances, and Michelle Pfieffer is turning out to be an excellent villainess (see Stardust).

Now, on to the troubling presence of Travolta as Edna Turnblad. While I appreciate the one-two punch of including him and Pfieffer as alumni of both installments of the Grease franchise, I am baffled as to why he would be cast in the role made famous by Divine. Travolta's voice is high-pitched and unnerving as it is, and when he affects a low-rent Baltimore drag queen, the result is like Chief Wiggum impersonating Johnny Carson after a helium binge. I think I actually grimaces every time he was onscreen. The point of Divine playing Edna was not that she was in drag, but that she was Divine. I don't know who would have been a better casting choice, but Travolta was an unwanted blemish on an otherwise enjoyable film.

Finally, the song "You Can't Stop the Beat: was an excellent set piece, and a great one for musical fans to hum after the movie is over.

chicken, egg, &c.

I had to have been in middle school when my dad first told me about the classic Mel Brooks comedy The Producers (1968). We rented it and watched it together, and ever since then, it has been one of my favorite movies of all time. Who can forget the first time they entertained the concept of springtime for Hitler? My dad had to explain to me some of the cultural cues of the late '60s that I was missing for all of the humor to stick, but otherwise, I had a blast. By high school, all of my close friends had seen it too, and we used to get a kick out of breaking pregnant silences with a hearty singalong of, "Germany was having trouble, what a sad sad story..."

In 2001, when we heard that Mel Brooks was adapting his movie into a stage musical, I was mostly excited. Though to be honest, I wasn't sure why the entirety of The Producers had to be turned into a musical, when the songs in Springtime for Hitler stand on their own. I ended up seeing the musical version when it came to the Pantages in Hollywood starring Jason Alexander and Martin Short. It was funny and entertaining, sure. But I was pretty underwhelmed, I guess. Then, in 2005, I made the unfortunate decision to watch the movie adaptation of the stage musical adaptation of the original movie, starring Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick who brought Zero Mostel's and Gene Wilder's roles to the stage in the first place. Oy. I understand that Mel Brooks was making mad dolla off of this morphing franchise, but really - a lot of the magic of the dialogue and the original genius actors was lost with the pointless new songs.

Now, hairstory (oh, I know I slay you) is repeating itself. In 2002, someone got the bright idea to turn John Waters' 1988 film Hairspray into a Broadway musical. About this, I can't say much. I have never seen the musical nor listened to the soundtrack, but I do know that it has been very well-received by audiences. I would tend to think that the source material is much more appropriate for the stage than The Producers was, because of Waters' fine skill with camp. Also, the whole thing is about music and dancing, not just a few scenes. Now, Adam Shankman, who brought us such comedy hits as A Walk to Remember and The Pacifier, as well as such artful masterpieces as Bringing Down the House and Cheaper by the Dozen 2, will be at the helm of the movie adaptation of the stage adaptation of the original.*

For some reason, I have a lot more confidence that the new version of Hairspray will be a lot better than the new version of The Producers even though I have not seen the musical, and it involves the most hideous looking version of John Travolta this side of treating his son's medical conditions by giving him a stress test. Certainly, I will miss Divine, Ricki Lake, and Jerry Stiller, but I think that at least Travolta and Queen Latifah have proven their experience in musicals, Christopher Walken is a great dancer (see bottom of post, beneath trailer, for proof), and Shankman is a dancer/choreographer. I'm curious if the original film's racial issues have been altered in any way for the new movie, though I would be surprised if they were, considering that even in '88 it was a period piece. But they changed the character of LSD from a hippie to a homosexual in The Producers, so you never know.

I'd be interested to know if any of my readers have seen the Hairspray musical, or can give any other insight, as I know very little about the details. Any thoughts on whether or not Hollywood may want to adapt Pink Flamingos for a younger audience?




(Spike Jonze is the shit.)

*Really, I can't hate on Shankman for directing really cheezy movies like Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Hell, The Pacifier was even kind of fun (maybe because I watched it with Czech subtitles in an empty theater in Prague, wondering what I was doing with my life?). As an aspiring screenwriter, I know that the key to success is most likely selling out as early as possible. How many times have I said, "If making it big means I have to crap out a few Scary Movie 8s starring DMX and Steven Seagal, then so be it." I'm personally hoping that Shankman's dance experience will shine, as I would love to see movie musicals really have a strong presence for modern audiences.