Old news

So, we all know that I hate Twilight. But I was chatting with my awesome friend Neil today (whose blog Eggshellman I was going to link to, but the link won't work), and a spontaneous Twilight rehash happened. Enjoy.

Bella: I'm so clumsy! I can't do anything! I'm a girl!

Edward: YOU SMELL DELICIOUS Bella: Daddy issues!Edward: I WILL WATCH YOU SLEEP WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION Bella: I like it when you take control Edward: YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT RUNNING IT BY ME FIRST BECAUSE YOU ARE HELPLESS AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU Bella: Kiss me! Edward: NO BECAUSE THEN I WILL WANT TO BONE YOU AND PREMARITAL SEX IS BAD Edward: ALSO I'M A VAMPIRE AND IF WE HAVE SEX I'LL PROBABLY KILL YOU Edward: 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK Edward: twinkle Bella: I am so insecure! Every boy: She's gorgeous! Every girl: I wanna be her! The end. Neil: LOL, LOL, LOL me: i have only read the first book but i have an understanding of the other three Bella: Also I like a vampire! Jacob: I am a native American and also a werewolf Bella: You're sexy too Edward: ANGER! Bella: Edward, make me a vampire please! The thought of aging disgusts me! More insecurity issues for young female readers to have! Edward: NO I WILL NOT Bella: Please just touch my crotch a little bit. Edward: NO Edward: Okay fine but ONLY IF WE GET MARRIED Bella: Sex is a metaphor for turning into a vampire! (they get married) Edward: Okay, I will bone you now, but only after I turn you into a vampire or else the sex will kill you Bella: Nah, I like it rough, and also I want you to abuse me. Edward: 'kay. (they have sex, it almost kills her) Bella: I'm pregnant! Renesmee: I am your unborn 1/2 vampire baby! I will try to kill you from within your womb! (she gives birth literally a month later) Jacob: I AM IN LOVE WITH THAT BABY. (yes, this actually happens) Edward: BITE BITE BITE Bella: Wheee I'm a vampire now and I'm SO pretty! Edward: sparkle
Fin.

i vaaahnt to suuuck your blooohd!

So, in "literary" news, I finished reading Stephenie Meyer's debut novel Twilight a couple of weeks ago. Published in 2005, it's the first in her series of books about teenager Isabella Swan, who is hopelessly in love with her classmate Edward Cullen. But oops guess what Edward is a vampire. Here's the twist: the book is almost impossible to read without one's eyes rolling so far out of one's head that they literally fall to the ground and roll away.

I may be reacting too harshly towards this novel. It is aimed towards young adults, and it was Meyer's first novel, but the writing style was just so laced with the aphrodisiac quality of teenage pheremones that I found it impossible to believe anything that was happening to the characters. I appreciate the high school setting of the classic vampire love story: he loves her, but can't get too close because he might hurt her; she loves him, and is afraid of being a mortal in love with an immortal. That said, the writing style was just so difficult to get through that I could hardly enjoy the story.


As someone who spent nine lonely years in all girls' school pining away for some boy to show any interest in me, I am very familiar with the genre of internet fan fiction. Very. Trust me. So believe me when I say that I have encountered Stephenie Meyer's style before, on message boards and web compendiums of fanfic written about every possible sort of thing that could ever be considered arousing. "And then Aragorn lightly traced his fingertips across Boromir's arrow-pierced chest. As a single tear slowly rolled down his chiseled face, Legolas chased it away with his smooth pink lips..." Oy. Twilight was not much better.

I couldn't help rolling my eyes each time Edward Cullen made Bella lose control of her senses, because their love was almost never explained. All of a sudden, after lusting after each other for five seconds, it is just evident that they should and will be 2gether 4eva. Now, I know this has been done before, famously, but even at all girls' school I didn't buy that Juliet wasn't just Romeo's Rosalind II. At least Shakespeare could write beautifully enough to make you not care about the stupid Tristan & Iseult rehash. And I know this was probably the point, but Edward seemed to love her only enough that he didn't try to kill her all the time. Every time he tried to explain his affection, it sounded like a dog professing his love for a steak. Edward was moody and boring and Bella was both petulant and impetuous, and none of those characteristics are appealing.

And finally, I must put forth my biggest problem with this whole thing. Sorry if it bothers you, but we're talking vampires here. Meyer establishes that a single drop of human blood from a papercut is enough to drive the vampires into a ravenous hunt, unable to control themselves. They are even driven wild by the smell of a human heartbeat. What the hell happens when women are on their period? I mean, really, Meyer has to have asked herself that. I know it's not the most appealing teen-novel fodder, but it's a valid question. If someone has an answer for me about how vampire fiction has dealt with this, if ever, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Anyway, here's the movie's teaser trailer, which looks slightly more entertaining than the book. Whatever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBvOhfL4mYw (Feck; I still can't embed videos for some reason! Bah!)