Monday, August 17, 2009

Old news

So, we all know that I hate Twilight. But I was chatting with my awesome friend Neil today (whose blog Eggshellman I was going to link to, but the link won't work), and a spontaneous Twilight rehash happened. Enjoy.

Bella: I'm so clumsy! I can't do anything! I'm a girl!
Edward: YOU SMELL DELICIOUS Bella: Daddy issues!Edward: I WILL WATCH YOU SLEEP WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION Bella: I like it when you take control Edward: YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT RUNNING IT BY ME FIRST BECAUSE YOU ARE HELPLESS AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU Bella: Kiss me! Edward: NO BECAUSE THEN I WILL WANT TO BONE YOU AND PREMARITAL SEX IS BAD Edward: ALSO I'M A VAMPIRE AND IF WE HAVE SEX I'LL PROBABLY KILL YOU Edward: 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK Edward: twinkle Bella: I am so insecure! Every boy: She's gorgeous! Every girl: I wanna be her! The end. Neil: LOL, LOL, LOL me: i have only read the first book but i have an understanding of the other three Bella: Also I like a vampire! Jacob: I am a native American and also a werewolf Bella: You're sexy too Edward: ANGER! Bella: Edward, make me a vampire please! The thought of aging disgusts me! More insecurity issues for young female readers to have! Edward: NO I WILL NOT Bella: Please just touch my crotch a little bit. Edward: NO Edward: Okay fine but ONLY IF WE GET MARRIED Bella: Sex is a metaphor for turning into a vampire! (they get married) Edward: Okay, I will bone you now, but only after I turn you into a vampire or else the sex will kill you Bella: Nah, I like it rough, and also I want you to abuse me. Edward: 'kay. (they have sex, it almost kills her) Bella: I'm pregnant! Renesmee: I am your unborn 1/2 vampire baby! I will try to kill you from within your womb! (she gives birth literally a month later) Jacob: I AM IN LOVE WITH THAT BABY. (yes, this actually happens) Edward: BITE BITE BITE Bella: Wheee I'm a vampire now and I'm SO pretty! Edward: sparkle


Gretchen said...

She turns into a vampire when she gives birth, just FYI.

Worst fucking books I've ever read, on so many levels. Oh god.

Ally said...

I am sitting at my desk, rolling around laughing. You embarrassed me at work! Nicely done.

Anna said...

This is perfect!!! Exactly what happens. (and yeah what bout period blood [eww gross].)