Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Okay so last year I wrote up what I think happened in the original Star Wars movies. I am one of the rare people over 15 who actually saw the Star Wars episodes in order, and didn't see the originals until 2008 when I decided I should just do it all in one sitting. While I didn't dislike the movies, they just weren't that memorable to me, and I realized pretty shortly how much I was making up about what I thought I had seen. I present for you here a recap of Episodes I-III and then a copy/paste of what I wrote last year which is Episodes IV-VI. Enjoy!

History: I saw Episode I in theaters when I was like 12. Episode II on HBO the year it was released. Episode III in theaters when I was in college. Episodes IV through VI on DVD in 2008.

So there is this orphan boy named Anakin Skywalker. He is kidnapped by a giant mosquito mixed with Gonzo the muppet, who sells contraband and runs a racing flying car racket. Jar Jar Binks helps train Anakin to be an excellent racer, and the little boy exceeds everyone's expectations. Obi wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) decides that Anakin would be a good protegé, so he trains him to be a Jedi. Teenage Anakin has a rattail and is the kid from that Canadian teen drama about rehab in the woods. He is so boring.

Anakin meets Natalie Portman, who was Queen of Naboo in the first movie but is now a Senator. She is much prettier now and no longer has Keira Knightley as a decoy. They fall in love. They somehow end up in a gladiator ring where they have to climb up these poles in order to survive. Anakin and Amidala do it and he says "the sand is so rough, but you are not" or something, and she gets pregnant, and he doesn't care, so she says, "Anakin, you're breaking my heart!" And she dies in childbirth, so he's sad, so he decides it's time to be evil. I think Palpatine the Wrinklefaced convinces him to?

Um, in the third movie there is a lava fight between Obi wan and Anakin, and then Anakin comes out of the lava all grossed up and now he's Darth Vader. I don't remember where Darth Maul came from, or what Samuel L. Jackson's role was, but I know they fought and Jackson had a purple lightsaber. Also there was an army of skinny-headed robots?

I saw this above link, where a girl who's never seen the original Star Wars movies retells the stories. About nine months ago, before I had seen them, I remember telling my friend "what's the point of seeing them, I mean I know the story already!" Now listening to this girl's retelling, and realizing she has a better grasp of what happens in the plot than I do, I want to write down what I think happened in the original movies, which I saw in August of 2008.

So, Luke lives on a desert planet. His parents are poor, and don't support his dreams of being a pilot. There's this creepy old man Ben Kenobi and everyone's like "don't talk to him," but Luke realizes there's something different about him. His secret identity is that he is Obi Wan Kenobi. He dies. Luke leaves his planet for some reason (I don't really remember why or how he left home.)

Meanwhile, Han Solo and his sidekick Chewbacca meet Luke. A hologram of Princess Leia is like "you have to help me!" I think...her message was inside of R2D2? Oh, right, before Luke leaves home, he finds R2D2 and C3PO (who is as gay as Luke is, obv). Um, so they all go to this space ship to save her. And they meet her and Luke is like "I'm attracted to you." They get caught in a trash compactor full of shredded tires, and the walls start crushing in. But they escape.

Then Luke is like "peace out" and he goes to follow some psychic message sent to him from beyond the grave by Obi Wan Kenobi which tells him to find Yoda. So Luke goes to find Yoda and Yoda's like "hi" and Luke's like "SHUT UP I am looking for a Jedi master, not some raisin with ears!" and Yoda is testing him. Then he teaches him how to move stuff with his mind.

Then I remember that everyone was on an ice planet for some reason. Luke rides a futuristic emu, and I think Han was there too and then Luke gets lost in the snow, and Han goes home. And everyone's like "find Luke" and Han's like "no it's too late," and I think Luke uses the force to stay alive (if he were Bear Grylls he would cut open the emu's stomach and sleep in it), and then...Chewbacca finds him, maybe?

So then Leia gets kidnapped by Jabba the Hut. They go to get her back. There's a chick that looks like the opera singer from the Fifth Element. Leia is in her famous bikini. They save Leia. Meanwhile, Han Solo goes to a bar and gets trapped in the liquid wall. Then Luke and Leia and Chewy and the robots go to Lando Calrissian for some reason. And he betrays them. Then they see Han in the liquid wall (but solid). And they defrost him, and then everyone has been kidnapped. The best part of the whole series is when Leia's like "I love you," and Han is like "I know."

Lando Calrissian turns good again and helps them escape but dies. And then...the whole gang get together with the Thai fighters who are trying to blow up the Death Star. They blow something up first that isn't the Death Star, and then Luke finds out that he is Darth Vader's son and his sister is Leia. ("Anakin, you're BREAKING my HEART!" lol) So then they blow up the Death Star, and Darth Vader is revealed to be an old white guy. Oh and Luke's hand gets cut off. I remember him hanging on the bottom of a ship and Han saves him because Luke used the force to send a psychic message to Leia.

I don't remember when the robots needed to fix their body parts. I remember Chewy wearing C3PO as a backpack. Then they go to the Ewok planet and the Ewoks think C3PO is their god. And then the Storm Troopers come to fight them but the gang uses the Ewoks to help them. And they are SO cute. Like little teddy bears. And then Luke and Leia are made king and queen of the universe (I think, it was like that scene in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe). And Han Solo is now a famous pilot.

So, there you have it. I can't have missed too much stuff.


penix said...

Thai fighters

PunditFight said...

you've put a whole new meaning to the word "movie review"

Anna said...

This is highly entertaining, Kat. That girl's recap is hilarious. "He's got white face." I never saw the ones with Luke/Leia. Just bits. But I don't know as much as you or that chick.