So this season started off with the aftermath of Chuck having been shot by robbers in Prague, Blair and Serena nursing their emotional wounds in Paris, Nate doing whatever, and Dan secretly raising Georgina's lovechild in his Brooklyn loft. These are all normal, typical ways that Manhattan teenagers spend the summer after freshman year of college.
The third episode of the season brings us all back to the Upper East Side, where everyone but everyone is involved in Fashion Week for some reason! Just like last week? Chuck is hoping to make amends with his family, and Lily, who will never judge him because she knows what it's like to be a terrible person that everyone loves anyway, is sure that she can convince Rufus and Eric to give Chuck another chance even though he had sex with 16-year-old Jenny.
When he brings Fleur Delacour to the gala or whatever to help explain how some random poor beautiful French girl has turned him into the greatest person ever, he expects a warm welcome. Except that Eric spills the beans to Rufus about that time in the pilot when Chuck tried to rape Jenny on the roof at Blair's Kiss on the Lips party (never forget), so Rufus is rightly upset. He threatens to tell all of Chuck's terrible secrets to Fleur, but Chuck denies that he knows her. "But Monsieur Chuck, you 'ave zee perfect life! What possible secrets could zere be?" Now, the show expects us to believe that Chuck unloads them all on her right then and there. How the eff do you think that conversation actually goes? "Well, after my mother faked her death, I grew up hating women. When I lost my virginity to Georgina Sparks in the 6th grade..." Anyway, Fleur forgives him because she sees a sweet life ahead of her in a bangin' penthouse. If I were Blair I would be so pissed off. You spend three seasons grooming Chuck into a somewhat-decent person and some Opera Rat gets all the benefit? Oooh, girl!
Meanwhile Serena and Blair blah blah blah. Everyone makes it very clear to Serena that she is not welcome in their friends group, or on this show. There's some secret society where you get keys (for coke orgies, I assume) if you're a member, and only the most nepotistic get to join, and of course Nate's trick from like two episodes ago is in charge, because WHAT? Does she even go to Columbia? Also is this a real thing that Columbia students are doing? Maybe because my school didn't even have a Greek system, I am having trouble comprehending to what extent normal college students are involved in secret societies, but there has been a bit much on this show. I mean, they are in COLLEGE, and even say, "I expected college to be easy." Hint: if you're spending all of your time at fashion parties and none of your time studying, IT IS. Where are the all-nighters in pajama pants with no makeup? Did I do college wrong?
So Serena doesn't get to join and Blair feels mildly bad about that, except no she wouldn't, and S is all "oh I'm cool with it, no big," and tries to get Nate to pay attention to her, but OF COURSE HE WON'T because after she took his virginity on a barstool and then skipped town and then came back and dated Dan and like a million other people INCLUDING HIS MARRIED COUSIN and then Nate again but then cheated on him with Dan but then was like "I CHOOSE ME" and left town, he has better things to do.
So then I kind of tuned out for a while. I guess Lily did some investigating (thereby doing her annual experiment in paying attention to her kids) and discovered that by the Laws of Nepotism, Serena should have been invited to the secret society! So clearly the new bitch is manipulating things, for some reason that no one cares about. Blair and Serena (and Dorota, duh) stage a fake catfight and get Gossip Girl to livestream it so that all the bitches at the...wait is everyone at the same party? Is this a fashion party or a secret society party? I can't tell. Everyone is reacting in some way to something. But there is literally a curtain pulled and the secret behind it is...I don't even remember. Then Blair and Serena are so happy to be friends that are both in the secret society, so Serena moves in with...Blair? Doesn't Blair live with Eleanor and Cyrus Rose (and Dorota and Vanya and their baby)? Why wouldn't Serena live with her mom and Rufus? I'm pretty confused about this.
Meanwhile, in Brooklyn (ugh), Rufus has the results of the paternity test he snuck, and OMGWHAT Dan is not the baby daddy. If there was one person surprised by this, they should be killed. So (again, I kinda wasn't paying attention) Dan wants to confront Georgina, but she is on the beach somewhere being a deadbeat mom (Where does she get the money for this lifestyle? Wouldn't her parents have cut her off after Christianity camp didn't take?), so he takes Milo (ugh) to an orphanage, but doesn't want to abandon this kid, so he decides to raise it as his own. DAN HUMPHREY. And Vanessa (VANESSA) is like, "Well, we did have sex that one time on your couch, so yes, I will move in and raise Georgina's baby with you." NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE. But then Georgina comes back and takes this plot point away after a whopping 3.5 episodes, and Dan and Vanessa decide to live together anyway. Good luck having a stable relationship without Hilary Duff threesomes, guys.
Ugh-ntil next time...
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