Thursday, August 27, 2009

In the criminal justice system...

...sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

I could write a million words on Law & Order: SVU, but instead I'll post this list I just wrote up for my friends:

Things I have learned from L&O:SVU...
-Never be a student at Hudson University. You will get killed.
-Never have a bad breakup. Your ex will find a convoluted way to get you raped or killed.
-Do not have a disability. You will get killed.
-Do not be a runaway child. You will get indoctrinated into a fertility cult.
-If you go running with your dog in Central Park, you will find a dead body.
-If you are a child playing frisbee in Central Park, you will find a dead body.
-If you rummage in an alley, you will find a dead body (prostitute, sometimes undercover FBI agent, sometimes Asian girl).
-Never have a relationship with your coworker. Someone will get raped.
-If you are gay and use meth, someone with superAIDS will infect you on purpose. Hopefully Finn's gay son will be there to help you.
-If you are suspected of child molestation, Stabler will stare you down while talking quietly and then possibly hit you.
-B.D. Wong is always awesome.
-Every A.D.A. is the foxiest woman ever.
-If you are sketchy, like a shady journalist, or a former SVU suspect, there is a 100% chance that a female cop from the SVU will have sex with you.
-If you want a relationship with Olivia, she only wants sex.

-All Asian women are sex slaves who are recent illegal immigrants.
-If you are a Muslim, you will get honor killed, wrongly persecuted by the CIA, or kidnapped and locked in a dungeon.
-Women should never ever be alone. They will get raped.
-If you are in the closet (either the child of a radical homophobic Christian, or a black guy on the down low), your gayness will get you killed.


Anna said...

word. I like your list. Stabler is a stare-downer and he HATES child molesters. Olivia is weird about her sex with bad guys fetish sometimes. And pretty much, you will get killed or find at least one dead body while living in NYC. Probably sexually offended AND then killed.

Kat said...

I can't believe I left out the most important one! If you attend Hudson University, you will get raped and killed. Especially if you have an inappropriate relationship with a staff member.